Al-Anon Wannabe

I still have yet to make it to an al-anon meeting, but that hasn't decreased my desire to go...or lessened the fact that I think about it almost every day. My friend (who's a work-a-holic) that agreed to go with me has been crazy with work. As have I. However the fact that think about it on a fairly regular basis must mean something. I just need to bite the bullet and go.

I think about my dad often. I suppose that's normal. I try to only remember the good times but still the bad times are too close to the surface. Next month, he will have been gone for three years. It's crazy how fast time flies. I feel as though I have improved my life immensely and even though I have not done everything I want to do, I am working on it and I am happy. I hope to make him proud.

With A Little Help From My Friends

Amazingly enough, I have been feeling good. Still tired, stressed, and crazy busy - but all in a good way. I know how shocking this must seem. I read back through some of my other posts and I am one depressing writer!

Good news: I found an al-anon buddy. I had dinner with a friend of mine last week who had to take her dad to court the other day. It was his second DUI. She is struggling with many of the same emotions I have had to deal with in the past and while I am not at all pleased this is happening to someone I care about, I am happy that I have found someone outside of my family who can relate and actually talks about how she's feeling. Granted, our situations our vastly different (isn't everyone's?) but the premise is still the same. Alcoholism is a disgusting disease and I will never understand how it can take the best of a person and turn them into shit.

My friend showed a poem to me that I imagine is quite popular but one that I had never come across before and I'd like to share that today. It's titled, 'I Am Your Disease'. I am not sure who wrote it but the author is dead-on.

I am looking forward to attending my first al-anon meeting in over seven years and we purposely picked one that's geared towards adult children. I just wish I could get my sisters to go with me but at this point, I'll settle for just getting myself there. For today at least, I can live with that.

Where to Start?

I am starting this blog to write mostly about alcoholism and how it has affected my life and the life of my family. Not until the last couple of years did I become aware and begin to understand that the way I am and a lot of the things I do is a direct result of growing up with an alcoholic. Imagine my surprise when I searched for "adult children of alcoholics" on the internet and a list popped up of characteristics that I supposedly inhibit. Now try and imagine my shock after I read it and realized that list was written for me. Have you ever had an "oh shit" moment?? That was mine.

Since then, I've read a couple of books and done a bit more research. I feel as though I have only scratched the surface to the hordes of information that is out there. Hopefully, this blog will give me incentive to do more of that. I need to try and understand my father and how he lives and in turn, learn more about myself and why I've made the choices I have. I tried to find a forum where to discuss my issues with others in an atmosphere that I liked and felt comfortable with. Unable to do so, I've decided to create my own.

My life has been difficult, mostly of my own making. The challenges that I've faced from my father being an alcoholic are no where near the caliber of challenges I've created for myself. Dealing with my own deficiencies and shortcomings have been no easy feat. Up until now, I choose to live a life of failure. Sounds weird to say, but for the longest time, I felt that I did not deserve good things in my life. Happiness in any form was off limits to me. Where has that gotten me? Filled with bitterness, regret, and sadness.

But this isn't supposed to be a pity party. Far from it. Even if not one person besides myself will read this, I want to share my experiences, both good and bad. I am picking myself back up and rejoining the human race. Living life the way I think my God wants me to live it. Happy, without blame or fault. For the first time in a very long time, I am hopeful that I am capable of accomplishing something. What exactly that is, only time will tell.