Wednesday, February 17, 2010

In a writing funk....

It's been months since I've written last. I've slipped back a little from my own recovery and forgotten what I started doing here. Part of it is because I've been back in school and it has been taking up my life. But mostly it's because I am tired of dealing with this at the moment. My youngest sister A., has been difficult lately. She started her freshman year of college last September and has dropped out already. She has no money, no job, has a skechy boyfriend, and hangs out with his even skechier friends. She lives with him and we have heard that he may be dealing marijuana and we're not sure what she's actually into. She has pushed us, her family, almost completely away. She refuses to admit there is a problem with the way she's handling herself and has admitted in a tear-streaked rage to my mother the huge amount of guilt she feels for the way she treated our father. She is angry and doesn't know how to express it but won't listen to any of us that she needs help; more than what her friends can give her. She also doesn't understand that, for her, addiction is just waiting for her. I forget sometimes how young she is and how very young she was when our family started falling apart. All that she has had to deal with at such a young age.......I allow myself to feel sorry for her only for a moment. Then I remember how she yelled at my mother and sister over Christmas and the fact that I've seen my mother in tears several times since then and my pity is gone. Replaced with that familiar pit in my that is mixed with a whole lot of anger, sadness, and guilt. Guilt is my friend once again.

I am in disbelief that this is happening once again. How much can one family take? We have shown that we are strong, but this disease is eating away at us little by little. I am scared, nervous, worried, and horrified that we are never going to be okay. How are we going to make it?