It's been months since I've written last. I've slipped back a little from my own recovery and forgotten what I started doing here. Part of it is because I've been back in school and it has been taking up my life. But mostly it's because I am tired of dealing with this at the moment. My youngest sister A., has been difficult lately. She started her freshman year of college last September and has dropped out already. She has no money, no job, has a skechy boyfriend, and hangs out with his even skechier friends. She lives with him and we have heard that he may be dealing marijuana and we're not sure what she's actually into. She has pushed us, her family, almost completely away. She refuses to admit there is a problem with the way she's handling herself and has admitted in a tear-streaked rage to my mother the huge amount of guilt she feels for the way she treated our father. She is angry and doesn't know how to express it but won't listen to any of us that she needs help; more than what her friends can give her. She also doesn't understand that, for her, addiction is just waiting for her. I forget sometimes how young she is and how very young she was when our family started falling apart. All that she has had to deal with at such a young age.......I allow myself to feel sorry for her only for a moment. Then I remember how she yelled at my mother and sister over Christmas and the fact that I've seen my mother in tears several times since then and my pity is gone. Replaced with that familiar pit in my stomach...one that is mixed with a whole lot of anger, sadness, and guilt. Guilt is my friend once again.
I am in disbelief that this is happening once again. How much can one family take? We have shown that we are strong, but this disease is eating away at us little by little. I am scared, nervous, worried, and horrified that we are never going to be okay. How are we going to make it?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Friday, October 16, 2009
Email From My Dad
I've been thinking about my dad today. Although I didn't speak to him for several years, he still wrote me continuous emails. I only have a couple now that I didn't delete. His writing was always weird and erratic. Here is one of the last I received from him.
In an email dated 7/25/07 he writes:
In an email dated 7/25/07 he writes:
hey Tricia,
hope all is safe and well....time off?? beach?? lake?? swimming?? how is work?? busy?
get by the rains?? have a friend in norhtern mass that got nailed hard??? mike and joan to speak of...what is a fun time now?? playing in water?? speaking of the the water, pat & floyd called this past week.wanted to know if you have any orange tape leftover from apple throwing at Lamoine.......mackerel now...stripers next....then crustaceans for a decent price..
Tricia i am not far and would love to hear from you.lll i am still on the work beat, and am in hopes of getting a chance this week.....the kids are well as is nanny and papa......talk soon .........love ya lots............and i do miss ya lots..............love ..Dad
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Today
It's been about a month since I've last posted. Quite a lot has happened as I'm sure you can imagine.
A few days after my last post, I went to the ER complaining of major chest and back pains. Come to find out, I had multiple blood clots in my chest. I was admitted to the hospital where I spent the next 2 days. Needless to say, that has been a major life change.
However, I am still having trouble with my family and have not been practicing detachment very well. Also, I have not been to therapy since a few weeks before I was hospitalized. I never really realized how much I have actually needed to go until I couldn't go. (Quick thanks to my husband who has always encouraged me to go! He certainly knows best...) I also still have not a:) attended al-anon meetings, which I really need to do and b:) have still not done more research that I wanted to do with regards to alcoholism, etc. and c:) my blog has been severely neglected. Wow I suck.
On the upside, I am doing really well in school thus far so I suppose I shouldn't beat myself up too much about not doing those other things. Kudos to all the working parents who are going to school at the same time. I don't know how you fit it all in. Good luck to ya.
A few days after my last post, I went to the ER complaining of major chest and back pains. Come to find out, I had multiple blood clots in my chest. I was admitted to the hospital where I spent the next 2 days. Needless to say, that has been a major life change.
However, I am still having trouble with my family and have not been practicing detachment very well. Also, I have not been to therapy since a few weeks before I was hospitalized. I never really realized how much I have actually needed to go until I couldn't go. (Quick thanks to my husband who has always encouraged me to go! He certainly knows best...) I also still have not a:) attended al-anon meetings, which I really need to do and b:) have still not done more research that I wanted to do with regards to alcoholism, etc. and c:) my blog has been severely neglected. Wow I suck.
On the upside, I am doing really well in school thus far so I suppose I shouldn't beat myself up too much about not doing those other things. Kudos to all the working parents who are going to school at the same time. I don't know how you fit it all in. Good luck to ya.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Nerves
School starts for me today. I'm very nervous and feeling a lot of pressure; most of it is self-inflicted. I've already read some of the introductions from other online students and I feel as though they are all much more advanced than I am. I am nervous that I won't understand what is going on and even though it's an online class, I will be laughed at and ridiculed.
I have to force myself to take deep breaths and tell myself that I will be fine. I must put everything else out of my mind and simply focus on the tasks at hand. I will go home after work today and get organized. I will make sure I know what the assignments are and begin the readings. When I write an introduction about myself to everyone else it will reflect the strong, smart, and confident woman I have become.
Or something like that.
I have to force myself to take deep breaths and tell myself that I will be fine. I must put everything else out of my mind and simply focus on the tasks at hand. I will go home after work today and get organized. I will make sure I know what the assignments are and begin the readings. When I write an introduction about myself to everyone else it will reflect the strong, smart, and confident woman I have become.
Or something like that.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Some Good Times
Hi Dad,
I think about you a lot. I try not to think about the bad times, but it's so hard for me to let those go. What's sad is that it's even harder to remember the good times. But I like to try.
I remember you always loved to laugh. Remember sitting around the dinner table one night and you had some ribbon you used as a bow tie to imitate a man and in a deep voice would say "YOU MUST PAY THE RENT" then move the ribbon to your head and say in a high squeaky voice "But I can't pay the rent" again and again? It seems like a really silly thing to do; not so funny to me now. But then we were all hysterical. All of us sitting around the table laughing and laughing so hard that tears streamed down our faces. I don't know what was more funny, your bad imitations or the fact that you were pretending to wear a bow in your balding head. We were so loud at dinner that afterward when I went to play outside with Danielle, she asked me what the heck we were laughing at.
Remember all of our camping trips to Lamoine? Those trips are by far the best memories I have of my family growing up. I loved to be there and so did you. I remember you would get up just after sunrise when the tide was out to go dig clams with your brothers. J, A, and I would join you later on in the morning to "help". But mostly we just did our own thing haha. Remember the big lobster bakes we would have later on in the afternoons? Lobsters bought right off fisherman's boats, fresh clams dug that morning, and fresh mussels too. Plus any fish we happened to catch that day grilled right over the fire. I loved sitting there, surrounded by your mom and dad, your brothers, their families, and us. The sun beating on our backs, a hint of ocean smell in the air. Everyone talking and laughing with lobster butter dripping off our chins.
Remember your garden? You loved to play in the dirt. You were always so proud when your plants started to grow and we would have fresh veggies for dinner. "It doesn't get any fresher than this", you used to say. I especially loved the fresh green beans I would help you pick and stem. I'm pretty sure I would always eat more than I would get ready for dinner! Someday, I hope to have a garden as good as yours.
Remember playing Christmas carols on your trombone with your "cronies"? You were so good. The four of you together were great. I would love to go with you and listen as your brass quartet traveled around to store fronts, parking lots, and hospitals playing all the Christmas classics. None of you ever did it for money. You did it to put smiles on people's faces. I definitely had a smile on mine.
Remember the fish hook? Haha...I will never forget that night when we were packing to leave the next morning for a camping trip. I felt very responsible because mom was at work so I was in charge of helping you pack up the camper and make sure we didn't forget anything. I don't know how I managed to do it, but while setting down a fishing pole in front of the car, the fish hook went clear into my index finger. How I screamed! I'm sure the entire neighborhood heard. You immediately ran over to see what was wrong. After surveying the situation, you took control, running to get some scissors and cut the line to bring me inside. You sat me down on the couch; I was crying so bad. You looked at my face and I could see you looked so worried. You told me that you were so so sorry but you had to just pull it out, there was no other way to do it. I became frantic, hysterical almost. You told me that we were going to take a deep breath together and on the count of three you were going to do it. After you did, you immediately wrapped my finger in a paper towel to catch the blood and pulled me to you. You were crying then too because you felt so bad for hurting me. Although this wasn't my most shining moment, what I remember most is how you took care of me.
Those are good memories, Dad. We had some good times together, as much as I sometimes try to deny them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss you. And I forgive you. And I'm sorry. I'm more sorry that I never told you when I had the chance. I hope that you forgive me.
I love you.
Tricia
I think about you a lot. I try not to think about the bad times, but it's so hard for me to let those go. What's sad is that it's even harder to remember the good times. But I like to try.
I remember you always loved to laugh. Remember sitting around the dinner table one night and you had some ribbon you used as a bow tie to imitate a man and in a deep voice would say "YOU MUST PAY THE RENT" then move the ribbon to your head and say in a high squeaky voice "But I can't pay the rent" again and again? It seems like a really silly thing to do; not so funny to me now. But then we were all hysterical. All of us sitting around the table laughing and laughing so hard that tears streamed down our faces. I don't know what was more funny, your bad imitations or the fact that you were pretending to wear a bow in your balding head. We were so loud at dinner that afterward when I went to play outside with Danielle, she asked me what the heck we were laughing at.
Remember all of our camping trips to Lamoine? Those trips are by far the best memories I have of my family growing up. I loved to be there and so did you. I remember you would get up just after sunrise when the tide was out to go dig clams with your brothers. J, A, and I would join you later on in the morning to "help". But mostly we just did our own thing haha. Remember the big lobster bakes we would have later on in the afternoons? Lobsters bought right off fisherman's boats, fresh clams dug that morning, and fresh mussels too. Plus any fish we happened to catch that day grilled right over the fire. I loved sitting there, surrounded by your mom and dad, your brothers, their families, and us. The sun beating on our backs, a hint of ocean smell in the air. Everyone talking and laughing with lobster butter dripping off our chins.
Remember your garden? You loved to play in the dirt. You were always so proud when your plants started to grow and we would have fresh veggies for dinner. "It doesn't get any fresher than this", you used to say. I especially loved the fresh green beans I would help you pick and stem. I'm pretty sure I would always eat more than I would get ready for dinner! Someday, I hope to have a garden as good as yours.
Remember playing Christmas carols on your trombone with your "cronies"? You were so good. The four of you together were great. I would love to go with you and listen as your brass quartet traveled around to store fronts, parking lots, and hospitals playing all the Christmas classics. None of you ever did it for money. You did it to put smiles on people's faces. I definitely had a smile on mine.
Remember the fish hook? Haha...I will never forget that night when we were packing to leave the next morning for a camping trip. I felt very responsible because mom was at work so I was in charge of helping you pack up the camper and make sure we didn't forget anything. I don't know how I managed to do it, but while setting down a fishing pole in front of the car, the fish hook went clear into my index finger. How I screamed! I'm sure the entire neighborhood heard. You immediately ran over to see what was wrong. After surveying the situation, you took control, running to get some scissors and cut the line to bring me inside. You sat me down on the couch; I was crying so bad. You looked at my face and I could see you looked so worried. You told me that you were so so sorry but you had to just pull it out, there was no other way to do it. I became frantic, hysterical almost. You told me that we were going to take a deep breath together and on the count of three you were going to do it. After you did, you immediately wrapped my finger in a paper towel to catch the blood and pulled me to you. You were crying then too because you felt so bad for hurting me. Although this wasn't my most shining moment, what I remember most is how you took care of me.
Those are good memories, Dad. We had some good times together, as much as I sometimes try to deny them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss you. And I forgive you. And I'm sorry. I'm more sorry that I never told you when I had the chance. I hope that you forgive me.
I love you.
Tricia
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Back to School
Like a lot of 17/18 year-olds who have just graduated from high school, I went off to attend college in the Fall of 1999. Four and 1/2 years later, without my degree in hand, I quit. For some reason, it seriously took me about 3 or 4 years after I left to that to realize I had made a huge mistake and how invaluable an education really is in this country. It's taken me another two years to gather my courage and actually go back. So I start in 4 days.
I am really nervous, mostly about my self-discipline and establishing good study habits; but I'm very excited too. I want so badly to do this for myself and to have that always elusive sense of accomplishment. I feel like I have never finished anything and if I can finish my degree, and finish it well, it will be another huge step in the right direction. I will be taking care of myself and in turn will be able to take better care of my husband and our families. I have high expectations. This is a huge opportunity I have been presented with. I won't let myself down again.
I am really nervous, mostly about my self-discipline and establishing good study habits; but I'm very excited too. I want so badly to do this for myself and to have that always elusive sense of accomplishment. I feel like I have never finished anything and if I can finish my degree, and finish it well, it will be another huge step in the right direction. I will be taking care of myself and in turn will be able to take better care of my husband and our families. I have high expectations. This is a huge opportunity I have been presented with. I won't let myself down again.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The Last Few Days....
The last few days have been emotional ups and downs. I feel like I continually watch my family fall further and further apart and there's nothing I can do about it. No one listens to me or learns from the mistakes I've made. I am trying to learn detachment but it is very difficult for me to do. I am saddened and still feel guilty for all I have done. Nothing is my fault yet I feel as though everything is my fault.
I have my moments. At some times I am able to let go and let them be whoever they're destined to be. It is hard because I get angry, hurt and upset when they don't take care of themselves. I try to realize that I need to take care of myself and my husband. He is my family now too and not only needs, but should get the most I have to give. But I can take care of everyone....can't I?
I have my moments. At some times I am able to let go and let them be whoever they're destined to be. It is hard because I get angry, hurt and upset when they don't take care of themselves. I try to realize that I need to take care of myself and my husband. He is my family now too and not only needs, but should get the most I have to give. But I can take care of everyone....can't I?
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