Friday, August 21, 2009


Time has flown by, as it usually does. My sisters are not so young anymore. Now J is 22 and A is 18. I worry about them constantly. I do not like the women they are becoming. So full of hurt, anger, and bitterness. They are rude and mean and expect the world to revolve around them. But I love them and have a fierce loyalty to them. The protectiveness and worry I've always had, I have now even more so.

A is about to be a freshman in college. She leaves for school in less than a week. She seems so fragile and vulnerable to me. I am scared that she will fall into the wrong crowd. She seems to be so easily influenced. I love her because she so easily sees the wrong-doings of so many people. I worry for her because she cannot see when she does those same things and the double standards she creates. Her boyfriend is a "pot-head". He graduated from high school over a year ago and has no ambition to get out of his parent's house or to even get a job. A tells me that sometimes he makes her go into the store to buy blunt wraps for him because he is too lazy to do it himself. She swears to me that she doesn't smoke. I am afraid because I'm not sure that I fully believe her. I lecture her as much as I dare. Even though you're not smoking, and you get pulled over by the cops, I tell her, you're still going to get into trouble. I can't lecture her too much because I am petrified she will get annoyed and shut me out like J has. So I constantly assure her I am here for her NO MATTER WHAT and she should call me for ANY reason.

J is a completely different person now. I feel as though I hardly know her. We used to talk a lot on the phone. She used to come have dinner with me or my husband and I would take her out. All that has gradually changed over the past 2 years. She is shut in. She keeps all her feelings and emotions wrapped up tight. She won't even let my mom in. I feel her resentment towards me yet I can't quite understand it. She could have the happiness and freedom I am starting to have, if only she could face herself. She refuses counseling or help in any way. She is still in that denial we were all so tucked away in. I am saddened by her refusal to let us help her. She claims she's fine.

I went home this past weekend to visit my family. J went out with some friends and came home wasted and puking. My mom sat with her for a long time while she threw up and kept trying to peel her off the bathroom floor. J refused to move, adamant on convincing my mom to leave her on the floor and let her sleep there. My mom was horrified. She didn't want A to walk in the bathroom in the middle of the night to find her sister passed out from drinking too much. J is also hysterically crying about some boy who isn't worth a minute of her time. Why can't I forget him? she sobs. This is the second time this summer J has come home like this. Before that, there was the time over Christmas and the couple of times it happened during the previous summer. My mom is fed up. She's dealt with this all before. She's hurt and angry. But she's worried too. She's afraid J's going to be too far gone before she can help her.

J scares me too. She is on that self-destructive war path and she doesn't realize where it leads. If she's not careful, she's going to become me. That scares me more than anything else could.

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