Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Where to Start?

I am starting this blog to write mostly about alcoholism and how it has affected my life and the life of my family. Not until the last couple of years did I become aware and begin to understand that the way I am and a lot of the things I do is a direct result of growing up with an alcoholic. Imagine my surprise when I searched for "adult children of alcoholics" on the internet and a list popped up of characteristics that I supposedly inhibit. Now try and imagine my shock after I read it and realized that list was written for me. Have you ever had an "oh shit" moment?? That was mine.

Since then, I've read a couple of books and done a bit more research. I feel as though I have only scratched the surface to the hordes of information that is out there. Hopefully, this blog will give me incentive to do more of that. I need to try and understand my father and how he lives and in turn, learn more about myself and why I've made the choices I have. I tried to find a forum where to discuss my issues with others in an atmosphere that I liked and felt comfortable with. Unable to do so, I've decided to create my own.

My life has been difficult, mostly of my own making. The challenges that I've faced from my father being an alcoholic are no where near the caliber of challenges I've created for myself. Dealing with my own deficiencies and shortcomings have been no easy feat. Up until now, I choose to live a life of failure. Sounds weird to say, but for the longest time, I felt that I did not deserve good things in my life. Happiness in any form was off limits to me. Where has that gotten me? Filled with bitterness, regret, and sadness.

But this isn't supposed to be a pity party. Far from it. Even if not one person besides myself will read this, I want to share my experiences, both good and bad. I am picking myself back up and rejoining the human race. Living life the way I think my God wants me to live it. Happy, without blame or fault. For the first time in a very long time, I am hopeful that I am capable of accomplishing something. What exactly that is, only time will tell.

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